"I need you to lose five pounds!" my coach said to me and the rest of the girl's on the High School Cross-Country team. I didn't know I was over-weight. Why do I need to lose weight? Am I fat? I didn't know it at the time, but those seven little words would make a giant impact on the next six years of my life.
I was a highly motivated 14 year old full of ambition and hope to become the best runner possible. Unfortunately, I was also an uneducated high school freshman when it came to health and fitness. I did what seemed logical; eat less + run harder = lose weight. I began cutting calories and training harder than before. This was just part of the sacrifice. A small price to pay to be the best. It all seemed to make perfect sense. Don’t eat fat. Skip meals. Check my weight. Look in the mirror. Obsess. Run harder.
I was unaware that I was headed out on the road for serious pain and destruction and I had no one holding me accountable.
After one year of struggling with my unhealthy approach to fitness I became burnt out and needed another solution. I could no longer survive on such a low caloric intake so I decided that the only solution was to binge and purge. It started out as a once-in-a-while sort of thing. And I always had a way of justifying my disorder. I told myself that as long as I didn’t do it often, I was OK.
Obviously this wasn’t the case and slowly but surely, a couple times a month, turned into a couple times a week, turned into a daily addiction. Over time, Bulimia became a way of life for me. It became my emotional outlet for everything. Yet, I was still in complete denial. I thought I had everything under control and didn’t need anyone to help me.
This went on for six years, each year worse than the year before. I obsessed about food. I was insecure. I didn't eat in front of people. I became less social. I was afraid of what people thought of me. I was an emotional wreck. My mind was a mess. My body was weak and eventually got to a point where I immediately wanted to purge anything I had eaten. I was embarrassed. I hated myself. I was unclean. But in my mind I still had everything under control. I was afraid to tell anyone because I felt like no one would understand and would think I was a horrible person.
After many years of struggling and many months of failing to get well, I finally came to a deep realization I could not get through this on my own. I needed people in my life to support me and love me in order for me to heal. I wanted to be healthy and normal again. I didn't want to be scared anymore. I finally stopped living in denial. I wanted my life back so I finally broke down and told my family and close friends about my disorder. It was one of the hardest and most humbling things I have ever done, but it brought me a sense of freedom that I hadn’t felt in years. I was no longer hiding and knew I had people to support me.
I started taking steps towards a healthy life. I got a mentor who had similar life experiences and struggles in her own past. She helped immensely. She cared about me. She wanted to help me get well. We went through a 12 step book together called “12 Steps to a Spiritual Journey”. It was not a quick fix and I really struggled during that time. I thought that if I just confessed, and got a mentor to help me I would be healed, but I soon realized that was unrealistic. It took 6 years to become deeply rooted in this behavior. There would be no quick fix to undoing what I’d done. It was going to take time and support to dismantle this destructive behavior.
I kept failing over and over again, but one of the most life changing things my mentor taught me was that failing is OK. I needed to allow myself room for failure or I would just keep falling back into deep disappointment and pain. She was so right. And even though I continued to fail, I knew I had people who loved me unconditionally to pick me back up. I was not alone anymore in my struggle. I had help now; people in my life keeping me accountable.
I started taking nutrition classes in college and became fascinated with the human body. I decided to major in Kinesiology. I started seeing an Applied Kinesiologist (a holistic approach to health) and learned so much about nutrition and the physical and emotional effects food has on the body. I learned about trigger foods and how they can contribute to my Bulimia. The more I learned about nutrition and the body, the more I realized there was hope for my disorder. I loved learning about how to live a healthy lifestyle and eat the foods our bodies where designed to eat.
Being aware that my addictive behavior could always return, I knew I had to make a life change.
My life was changing and with growing knowledge and the help of positive people in my life I was finally able to heal! I have been healthy for over 7 years. I eat and exercise the right way, the healthy way. I have learned to avoid the foods that trigger a negative response in my body and eat foods that are beneficial to me.
I am now healthier, happier, and more fit than ever before and so grateful to have people in my life who continue to support me and keep me accountable. It is my passion now to help others in their pursuit of a healthy life-style. I continually educate myself on fitness and nutrition and through my story, strive to help others on their journey and hopefully avoid some of the pitfalls that I went through. If only I had this knowledge years ago, I could have avoided so much pain, heart-ache, shame physical illness and disappointment. And, oh yeah....I would have been a much better runner!!!!
“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work. If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken”Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
